Top Ten Excuses - Caught Sleeping
Gravity-Defying Tequila
A Few Days Off
Get In Line
The Flying Parrot
Office Cannibals
Barbie in the Window
A Dollar or Two Quarters?
Deer Hunter
I was trying to help...
Takeout Small Talk
Lost in the Desert
From the mouths of children...
Football is in the Air
You Had to See it Coming...
Bachelor Cooking
Sweet Justice
The problem is at your end
Basketball jokes
Be prepared to groan/Quasimodo
Eager to impress the boss
Sick, but funny
Political Stabs
The Engineer and the Bike
Choose your response carefully
You get what you ask for
Tagging Birds
Mystery Solved
Encyclopedia
Security
A Lady Gets Pulled Over For Speeding
For our Armed Services
Court Jester
Airplane Humor
Blues 101
Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
Embarrassing Moment
Timing is Everything
Dog Days
Oops!
Things we would never know without the movies...
Another Groaner...
A Fitting Farewell
Men Gotta Stick Together
Posted at the Club House of the Golf Course...
Words of Wisdom
A Farmer's Opinion
Another Moaner
www...
Big Plans
Here's a Moaner
True Love
Play Ball!
Dress Code
Equal Opportunity Employer
Bungee Jumping
Evolution of a PR Policy
The Weaker Sex?
Of Bubba and Tech Support
Career Change
Friends Forever
Philosophy of Love
Notes from Appraisal Time
Car Accident
Aircraft Maintenance Problems
Professor Bonk
Concerning Yuppies
The Lone Ranger
The Top Nineteen World's Shortest Books:
A Note From College
Three Beggars
Counterparts
How to Attend a Meeting
Random Thoughts on Aging
Haven't we suffered long enough?
A sign of the times
Effective Advertising
The Letter
Best Bumper Stickers
Signs to Make you Smile
Important things to know at The Office. . . .
Alcohol Warnings
Bumper Sticker Philosophy
Back to School Humor
Travel Humor
Just Wondering...
Tax Dollars at Work
How to Pick a Company Softball Team
Bill Gates in Purgatory
Notes Technical Support Person from Hell
Something to Ponder
Helicopter Joke
Twas the Night Before Implementation
The Software Development Process
The "Smart" Home Owner's Journal
You may be a Geek...
Ode to Y2K
St. Peter/Engineer
Engineer in Heaven
Elephant Memory
Christmas Office Memo
My Top 10 New Year's Resolutions
Valentine Cards
George Carlin's Views on Aging
10 Words that don't exist, but should
Dating Expectations
Gifts for Men
Walk the Line
Parrots
I think You're the Father
Great Writer
Senior Moment in the Parking Lot
7 Signs that the Santa in the mall is nuts
The Government
Estate Planning
A Riddle Dangerous Foods Zen Sarcasm Go Green If cars didn't run on Gasoline A Biker's Wish The Dress
The Bathtub Test Grocery Store Turkey Christmas Breakfast Phone Call
Marital Bliss Careful what you wish for! Life's Little Axioms
Top Ten Excuses - If you get caught sleeping at your desk at work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"
Gravity-Defying Tequila
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes
over to a window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can't believe he has just done that.
He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.
The astonished guy asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!"
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me
slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet.
A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps.
As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all... SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
A Few Days Off
Jim urgently needed a few days off work, but he knew the boss would not allow him to take a leave. He thought maybe if he acted crazy then
the boss would tell him to take a few days off. So he hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. His co-worker asked him what
he was doing. He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think he was nuts and give him a few days off.
A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" Jim told him he was a light bulb. The boss said "You are
clearly stressed out. GO HOME and recuperate for a couple of days". Jim jumped down and walked out of the office.
When the co-worker followed him, the boss asked her "...And where do you think you are going????" She looked back over her shoulder and
said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."
Get In Line
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman
walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
The Flying Parrot
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks,
"And get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her,
the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke, dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"
The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot
turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"
Office Cannibals
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals
promised they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool - for 4 weeks we've been
eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"
Barbie in the Window
A father leaves work a little late one night and on his way home, he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought a gift.
He parks his car in front of a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the window?" With a convincing voice the salesperson replies,
"Well we have 'Barbie goes to the Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie plays Volleyball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes Dancing' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $265.95."
The surprised man asks, "What? Why does the divorced Barbie cost $265.95 when the rest are only $19.95?"
Taking a deep breath, the salesperson responds, "Sir... the 'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer,
and one of Ken's friends."
A Dollar or Two Quarters?
A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same
young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked
his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Deer Hunter
A man and his friend were hunting deer in rural Wisconsin near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took
careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off
the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching
thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
I was trying to help...
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small
and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the
street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's
level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
Takeout Small Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter,
and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!" Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't
see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!" He whirls around to again but sees no one near him.
He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self- consciously under the stool. A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts.
This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!" He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing
these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??" "Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies.
"It's just the peanuts." "The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him. "Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."
Lost in the Desert
A man's car breaks down in the deep desert along a desolate road. He begins the long walk back to civilization. Without water or provisions, he slowly succumbs
to the daytime desert heat, and the nighttime desert cold. He staggers along, step by agonizing step, each footfall a jarring reminder of the many miles to go to
that cool drink of water that will end his parched misery. As he comes over a small rise, he sees in the near distance an old man sitting in the sparse shade of a tiny
palm tree. In front of the old man is a table, and on the table are neat rows of neckties. An attached sign says, "Ties, $150."
"Water, water!" the thirsty traveler shouts to the old man.
The old man looks at him curiously, and asks, "Would you like to buy a tie?"
"A tie???" shouts the traveler, "For $150? I'm parched. Give me water!"
The old man says slowly, "I have no water to give you, but about two miles over those sand dunes is a restaurant."
Without thanking the old man, the traveler hobbles as best he can over the dunes, toward the restaurant that he imagines will be his thirst-quenching savior.
About five hours later, the old man, still sitting in the sparse shade of his tiny palm tree, turns his head to see the traveler once more. This time the man is crawling
over the sand dune, his water-starved body using its last ounce of strength to drag himself back to the old man. As his aching body flops down in a dusty heap in
front of the table, the old man leans over and asks, "Did you find the restaurant?"
"Yes," the traveler manages to say, "But they wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
From the mouths of children...
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared
with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who
passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
Football Is In the Air...
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
--Joe Theismann
Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
--George Will
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
--Erma Bombeck
Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many players on the field?
--Jim Boulton
Most football teams are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental.
--Doug Plank
You had to see it coming...
A movie producer was planning his next blockbuster--an action docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Sylvester Stallone,
Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger and offered them a chance to select which famous musicians they'd portray.
"I've always admired Mozart," Stallone said. "I'd love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme. "That's the part for me."
The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. "And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?" There was a long silence, then he replied, "I'll be Bach."
Bachelor Cooking
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish'".
Sweet Justice
A daughter's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found
the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, the daughter was horrified to learn that her father's new young
wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
The daughter asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
The daughter told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day. "
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, the daughter asked her mother,
"Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
The problem is at your end
One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area,
"It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
Getting ready for March Madness
Q. How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
A true Bobby Knight story recalled as best as can be remembered from the "Morning Briefing" section of the L.A. Times:
In the '80 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by Bobby Knight, played and beat the Chinese team handily.
When asked about the win, Bobby said, "It was alot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."
Be Prepared to Groan...
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided
that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment;
convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard
only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his
interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but....
...... he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Eager to impress the Boss
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Sick, but funny!
The housing market was becoming tough, and Chuck found a great neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he had a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs."
Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months - except for one thing.
The family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area.
One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.
He immediately went to the landlord and complained.
The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive and punctual with rent checks convinced the landlord to keep him
and his dog on the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area.
Months went by with no incidents.
However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day.
She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house.
He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog, dead rabbit in mouth.
Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction and possible jail time, he took matters into his own hands.
He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (Okay, he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right?
Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck.
"We're moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighborhood."
"Why? What happened?" replied Chuck.
The neighbor replied, "Some sick person dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage."
Political Stabs (we couldn't resist!)
"John Kerry met with the AARP. They were having their convention.
He gave a speech, then Kerry introduced his retirement plan — his
wife, Teresa." —Jay Leno
"According to the latest poll in the Washington Post , 63 percent of Americans said that so far they approve of President Bush. Not surprisingly, the other 37 percent are English teachers." —Conan O'Brien
The Engineer and the Bike Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Choose your response carefully...
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
You get what you ask for....
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.
The personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
Tagging Birds
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
Mystery Solved......
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Encyclopedia
Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.
My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.
"What are all these books?" he asked.
Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.
"Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"
Security
I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"
A lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Woman : Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman : Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Woman : I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Woman : Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers. please.
Woman : I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Woman : I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Woman : Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Woman : His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2 : Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman : Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2 : One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman : Murdered the owner?
Officer 2 : Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2 : Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman : Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2 : One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman : Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
For our Armed Services
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Court Jester
Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you $57. Next."
Airplane Humor
A captain and co-pilot passed through the passenger gate waiting area wearing dark glasses, and with white canes tapped their way down the jet way and into the cockpit. Needless to say, this made the passengers more than a little nervous.
Soon the airplane was loaded, the door closed and the plane was pushed back from the gate. The engines were started and the plane began to slowly zigzag its way toward the runway. Finally it aligned itself and began to speed down the runway getting faster and faster...the anxiety level of the passengers growing...
Then, when it looked as though the plane was going off the end of the runway and into a nearby lake, suddenly they all screamed. It was then that the plane slowly lifted its nose and became airborne.
There was a great sigh of relief back in the cabin. But in the cockpit the co-pilot says to the captain, "One day they are going to scream too late and we are all going to die!"
Blues 101
If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get no rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Mute, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, Clinton, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Lame Kiwi
Clinton, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry!
Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle:
10. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.
2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your coworkers.
And the number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle is...
1. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.
Embarrassing Moment
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and furnished it with expensive antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to give the appearance of being busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
Animated, he threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
After several minutes, he hangs up and asks the visitor, "Can I help you, sir?". "Sure", says the man, "I'm here to install your phone".
Timing is everything...
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the thirtieth anniversary of his arrival in that parish.
A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited patiently...
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer.
Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. As you may imagine, I was appalled.
But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Dog Days
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Bart, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Oops
After directory assistance gave Glenda her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him - and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" Glenda asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Glenda said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Glenda dialed again.
This time a man answered... "This is Mike," he said.
"Hey, you're not my boyfriend!" Glenda exclaimed.
"I know, I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
Things we would never know without movies...
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the
price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
2. One of a pair of identical twins is always born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to
cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a
world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, and then
depart without witnessing the cruel and diabolical demise which will
allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.
11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to
the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man
lying beside her.
12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.
13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone
in the control tower to talk you down.
14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
15. In war it is impossible to die unless you make the mistake of
showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian
officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German
or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for
the German).
17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through
it before long.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises alone in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always
say: Enter ... Password Now.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left
to right every few moments.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.
25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
meet will know all the steps.
26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to
speak to each other in English.
Another groaner...
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control
of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth
and smashed it to bits.
Unhurt, he climbed down from the cab and looked
around. In minutes, a repair truck pulled up
and discharged a crew of workers.
The men from the crew each picked up a broken
piece of the former tollbooth and spread some
kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began
fitting the pieces together.
In less than a half hour, they had the entire
tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Amazing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the
pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth
paste."
A Fitting Farewell
A well known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral
with many of his fellow MDs in attendance. A huge heart covered
in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The
heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral. I'm a gynecologist." At that point, the proctologist
fainted.
Men gotta stick together!
Bernie goes to see his supervisor in the front office...
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at
home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic
and the garage, moving and hauling stuff..."
Cutting Bernie, his boss replies, "We're short-handed, Bernie,
I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss!" says Bernie, "I knew I could count on you!"
Posted at the Club House of the Golf Course:
1. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
2. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width
apart.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Form a loose grip.
5. Avoid a quick back swing.
6. Stay out of the water.
7. Try not to hit anyone.
8. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of
you.
9. Don't stand directly in front of others.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now flush the urinal, move outside, and tee off!
Words of Wisdom
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items
on the table in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly
he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and
proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2" in diameter. He
then asked the students If the jar was full. They agreed
that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of
course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then
asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked
once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a
unanimous "Yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the
table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the
jar -effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want
you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks
are the important things - your family, your partner, your
health, your children - things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter - like your job,
your, house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small
stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued
"there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes
for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small
stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important
to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical
checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always
be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party
and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first -the things
that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just
goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of beers."
A Farmer's Opinion
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper
started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was
doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?".
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what
they are--I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after
a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call
me a horse's a#*&?".
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you that".
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing
the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though..."
Another moaner...
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from
the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat
hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night.
If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for
the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the
barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?" asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
www.....
My kids love surfing the Web, and they keep track of their passwords
by writing them on sticky notes.
One day I noticed their password was "BatmanSupermanRobinJoker",
and so I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
Big Plans...
A father is asked by his buddy, "Has your son
decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied
the boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's
a rather strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage
collectors only only work on Tuesdays!"
Here's a Moaner!
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very
interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would
thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but
eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration
job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put
in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks,
and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down
with turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job
nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap
of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing
the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear
off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones,
surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What
should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"
True Love
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the
casket out when they bump accidentally into a wall, jarring the
casket. They hear a faint moan and open the casket to find that
the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of
the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
Play Ball!
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young
players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together
as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out
at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you
understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to
your mother."
Dress Code
A guy goes into a restaurant & lounge, his shirt open
at the collar but is stopped by a bouncer who tells him
he must wear a necktie to get in...
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for
a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees
a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties
these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable
looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully
looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK,
I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
Equal Opportunity Employer
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must
be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted
up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at
the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the
sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked
determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The
manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to
be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the
typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He
took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you
have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down
again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs and
produced a sample spreadsheet and database and
presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said,
"I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have
some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you
the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of
the sign and put his paw on the part about being an
Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes,
but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Bungee jumping
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to
the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running
our own bungee- jumping business in Mexico." The second guy
thinks this is a really great idea, so the two pool their money
and buy everything they’ll need: a tower, an elastic cord,
insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up
in the square of a small beach town. As they are constructing
the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more
people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He
bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up,
the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, so he
falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is
bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The
first guy falls a third time and bounced back up. This time,
he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy catches him this time and asks,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy
answers, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a piñata?"
Evolution of a H.R. Policy
Week 1 - Memo #1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo #2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for
Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo #3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember that image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo #4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m.
Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo #5
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day
Task Force (CDTF) has been appointed to prepare guidelines for
proper Casual Day dress.
Week 14 - Memo #6
The CDTF has not completed a 30-page manual entitled
"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards."
A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please
review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult
the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before
leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the
appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF
representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo #7
Our Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to
provide support for psychological counseling for employees who
may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 - Memo #8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department, we are no longer able
to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
The weaker sex?
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done there
were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter
what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your
wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun
and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I
can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went
into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded
with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Of Bubba and Tech Support....
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a
national pager company. There he deals with the usual complaints
regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he
keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would
have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it
was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager,
the light bulb came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Another problem solved.
Career Change
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he
leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The
driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the
wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a
lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop
window.
The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to
frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."
The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's
my first day as a cab driver. . . I've been driving a
hearse for the past 25 years."
Friends forever?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of
them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a
man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
This must be a sign from God!" The woman continues. "And look
at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished,
but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink
this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head
in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands
it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately
puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Philosophy of Love
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
BUT . . .
If it just sits in your living room, watches your TV, messes up
your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the
first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
Notes from Appraisal Time
(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom.....and has started to dig."
(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity."
(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but
more of a definite 'won't be'."
(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap."
(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to
change feet."
(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."
(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
(11) "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts,
the better."
(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."
(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."
(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
(17) "He's been working with glue too much."
(18) "He would argue with a signpost."
(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, .....
he's the other one."
(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
(24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming."
(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week."
(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm
to the egg."
(32) "One neurone short of a synapse."
(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;.....
he only gargled."
(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Car Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither
of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're
a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our
cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be
friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely!"
This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And
look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods
his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes
the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Plane Repair
The following are some actual aircraft maintenance problems –
known as ‘squawks’- logged by pilots. (P) is the problem logged
by the pilot and (S) is the action taken, as logged by the service
engineers who maintain the planes.
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!
Professor Bonk
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a
zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is
semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around
forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something
like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking
Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the
mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they
had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the
final that the weekend before finals week (even though the
Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U
Virginia and party with some friends up there.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday
and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk
after the final and explained to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and
had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had
a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't
get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make
up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated,
relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that
night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a
test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple
about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool,"
they thought," this is going to be easy." They did that problem
and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what
they saw on the next page...
WHICH TIRE? (95 points)
Concerning Yuppies...
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new
son-in-law...
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,"
said the old man.
"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50
partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory
every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "But, I hate factories. I can't stand
the noise."
"I see," replied his father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the
office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being
stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you
half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like
factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man... "Just buy me out."
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert, they set
up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger
woke his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at and tell me what you see".
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars".
"What does that tell you? asked The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically, speaking, it tells
me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time
wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow.
"What it tell you Kemosabe?
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto,
you idiot, someone stole our tent...."
The Top Nineteen World's Shortest Books:
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for History Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell 'Bob'
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book
And the number one World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
A note from college:
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need for
Christmas, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card,
a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
___________________
Reply from dad...
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are
eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget
that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can
never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
Three beggars are begging in New York City.
The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup and he received
ten bucks after one day.
The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup and after one day he
received hundreds of thousand dollars. Someone even wanted to
take him to NASDAQ.
The third one wrote "ebeg" on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent
vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and
offered him free Hardware and professional consulting while
Larry Ellison claimed on CNBC that ebeg uses 95% Oracle
technology and i2 announced begTradeMatrix a b2b industry
portal to offer supply chain integration in the beggar community.
Counterparts
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in
French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are
grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House,"
in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is
masculine "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What
gender is 'computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the
word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split
the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender
and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a
masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give
four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be
of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
HOW TO ATTEND A MEETING
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes
helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any
duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm
a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer
"long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty
much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until
retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2. Going to meetings.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving
primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible,
because that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well
and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are
never going to get a position of power, a position where
you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single
bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.
The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era.
In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it
home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it.
The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked,
whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an
antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).
At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt
our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer
sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day,
and the next. But the women pointed out that, prey-wise,
the men had not produced anything, and the human race
was pretty much starving. The men agreed that was serious
and said they would put it right near the top of their "agenda."
At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid,
started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born.
It never would have happened without meetings.
The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared
with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people
who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be
somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals
have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in
a meeting. An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear
at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie
"Night of the Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how
modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that
everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from their
graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of
the living.
There are two major kinds of meetings
1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that
Arbor Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot
of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's
Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind
account for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which
I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right).
This type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does
in nursery school, with everyone getting to say something,
the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually
have something to say. When it's your turn, you should say
that you're still working on whatever it is you're supposed
to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously
you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working
on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's
the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot
faster if the person running the meeting would just say,
"Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed
to be working on, raise your hand." You'd be out of there in
five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we
do it in America. My guess is, it's how they do it in Japan.
2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are
trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is.
Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to
show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report.
All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and make
up elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office
and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president,
in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper
right hand corner, followed by a question mark, like this "Norm?"
Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it. (Although it
will plague Norm for the rest of his career.) But sometimes you
go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on
something. This is very serious because what it means is, they
want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be
stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to
escape from the meeting before they get around to asking
you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie. Another is
to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that
you have a phone call from someone very important, such as
the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one
or the other, however, not both. It would sound fishy if the
accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of the
company, or the Pope."
You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow
legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice.
Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts
talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of
enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of
life itself. Then draw interlocking rectangles. If it is an
especially lengthy meeting, you can draw more elaborate
doodles and maybe even a caricature of the boss.
Random thoughts on aging...
- Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work
its way through Congress.
- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green
bananas.
- You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your
car in the parking lot.
- Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and
choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
- Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
Haven't we suffered long enough?
A guy walks into a Cincinnati bar with a dachshund under his arm.
The dog is wearing a Cincinnati Bengals jersey and helmet, and
is festooned with Bengals pom-poms. The bartender says,
"Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans,
the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we
can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will
behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown
out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows
them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins with the Bengals receiving the kickoff.
They march down field, get stopped at about the 30, and
kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar,
and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives
to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most
amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they
score a touchdown?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for four years."
A Sign of the Times:
On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater
waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with
a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the
sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for
several moments.
Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd
demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
Effective Advertising
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old
daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year old looked up at her mother
and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
The Letter
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but
nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord
requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the
letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to
President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched,
and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little
boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to
be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted
with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord,
which read:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I
noticed that for some reason you had to send it through
Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Love,
Tommy
The best bumper stickers
- God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends
- My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
- (Spotted on a passing motorcycle) If You Can Read This,
My Wife Fell Off
- I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now
- Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
- What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
- Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
- Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
- In Dog Years, I'm Dead
- Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
- Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll be a Great Trade
- I'm going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
- A Day without Sunshine is Like Night
- First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
- Old Age comes at a Bad Time
- In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's one of the Risks
You Take
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
- The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools.
- Hang up and drive.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
- Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
- EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
- If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
- Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
- My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or
something like that.
- Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Signs to make you smile...
In the window of a Travel Agency: "Please go away."
At the Vet's: "Back in five minutes. Sit. Stay."
At a Health Food Store: "Closed due to illness."
Important things to know at The Office. . . .
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the
work he/she is supposed to be doing.
- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional
to the number of pens that person is carrying.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the
job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work... If you
are really good, you will get out of it.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors
in the mail.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a
cocktail hour.
- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
- The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible
for everything that goes wrong.
- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger handle this?"
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look
worried.
Alcohol Warnings
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol
containers. Some of the suggestions are as follows:
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like an $%&*#*&.
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to
tell the same boring story over and over again until your
friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to
thay shings likethish.
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone
them at 4:00 AM.
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to
roll over in the morning and see something really scary
(whose species and/or name you can't remember).
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter
than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe you are invisible.
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing with you.
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx
in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes
large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause
pregnancy.
Bumper Stick Philosophy....
- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before
we met.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people
have.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to
be lazy.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have
film.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
- 24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
I think NOT!
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
you tried.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely
isn't for you.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required
on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness
of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
- Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel
so good.
Back to School Humor
Keeping it all in perspective....
Dear Mother and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have
been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness
in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now,
but before you read on, please sit down. You are not going to
read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay? Well, then,
I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my
dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty
well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and
now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches
one a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm,
and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the
ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had
nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s
really a basement room, but its kind of cute.
Jamal is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and
are planning to get married. We haven’t set the exact date yet,
but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother
and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking
forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome
the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has
some minor infection which prevents us from passing the pre-marital
blood test and I carelessly caught it from him. this will clear
up with the penicillin shots I am now taking daily. I know you
will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a
different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed
tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his
skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure that you
will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am
told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation
department he works for. Although they say he runs his office
from his truck.
Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell
you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion
or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant,
I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no
romance in my life.
However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, and
I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Buffy
Travel Humor....
Signs from hotels and such found ‘round the world:
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In an Austrian hotel catering to the skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of Ascension.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
Just Wondering...
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know
the battery is dead?
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the
taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be
easier to just hire taller dancers?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money
they already know you don't have?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask
them what time it is?
Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're
waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as
though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when
you pressed it the first time?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Why is there only *one* Monopoly commission?
You know how most packages say "Open here"... so What is the
protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Tax dollars at work...
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole,
he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill
the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging
a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the
sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working,
but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he just had
to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but
what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind
you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must
look kinda funny, but Freddy, the guy who plants the trees, is
sick today."
How To Pick A Company Softball Team
Let us deal today with a timely sports question. How do you choose a company softball team?
The answer is, there are lots of ways.
My favorite way is in a bar, late at night, with a hat, 50 pieces of paper, and a group of people who like to sing in Swedish, even though they don't speak Swedish.
And plenty of ice. But that is just my way. And I don't hit very well.
Others take it more seriously. In fact, to certain types, investmentbankers, account executives, anyone from New York,
softball leagues have become roughly the equivalent of, oh, say, holy war.
First of all, because it is May, it is too late to be picking softball teams.
In today's competitive business world, the winning teams made up their rosters back in November.
Several players actually are under contract year-around. They will never admit this, of course.
But if you know a burly salesman who hasn't met a quota in years, chances are he's somebody's first baseman.
Still there is hope for your group. Their bus could crash. And if that kind of luck should strike, you better be ready.
Here then, as a public service, and I don't do this for everybody, are 25 tried-and-tested methods for picking a winning softball team.
I emphasize the word winning, which is not the same as wearing a sweatshirt and waking up with a hangover. Ready?
- Never pick the boss.
- Never pick the boss' secretary.
- Pick Vinny from the shipping department. If there is no Vinny, pick Frank. No doubt Frank will know a Vinny, probably from some other shipping department, and Vinny will know another Vinny.
- Or Eddie. So you end up with three guys, either Vinny, Vinny, and Vinny, or Frank, Vinny, and Vinny, or Frank, Vinny, and Eddie. This, by the way, is your starting outfield.
- Never pick a Seth.
- If you hold open tryouts, and a player shows up with a large radio on his shoulder, grab him.
- Unless the radio is playing Barry Manilow
- Are we dealing with co-ed teams? We are?
- In that case, anyone named Brenda gets on automatically. At least on my team.
- Take any player with his own ice chest. (If you do not understand this, I am not going to explain. You should join the company racquetball league instead, where they drink Perrier.)
- No vice presidents.
- Never take a guy wearing a batting glove. Batting gloves do nothing. Batting gloves are an excuse for people to spend $10.00, so the owner of the sporting goods store can take his wife to France.
- Anyone with a tattoo starts.
- Two tattoos bats cleanup.
- Important tip: look at the glove. If it is ratty and frayed and has masking tape all over it, you want the guy. If it is shiny and orange and is signed by Rusty Staub, you'd better pass.
- If he owns spikes, he's in.
- Never take the boss. I know we covered this already. I don't want you to forget.
- Another important tip: look at the car. As a general rule, people who drive Volkswagen beatles make good softball players. I don't know why this is. I have never seen a decent softball player pull up in a Chrysler New Yorker. Ever.
- No more than four players with glasses.
- Only players named "Pepper" or "Spike" or "Scooter" can be your shortstop. But only if that's his real name. Have him bring a birth certificate. I mean, anyone can call himself "Scooter", right? You want the guy whose parents thought it up.
- Pick someone with spare bats.
- Get at least one person from sales. Even if he or she can't play, at least you'll find out what all those other sneaky salespeople are planning.
- Choose a catcher who is loud and obnoxious. Someone who will say to a batter, "Hey. If you had a brain, you'd be outside playing with it."
- NEVER PICK THE BOSS! Just a reminder.
- No Dr. Pepper drinkers. I don't trust them.
- If Rita, the redheaded receptionist, is at all interested, sign her up. The hell with her average.
So there you have it. Of course, these rules apply only if your goal is to win the softball trophy and go the awards dinner.
On the other hand, if your goal is to get ahead in business, I advise only two things: Pick your boss. And let him play shortstop.
Bill Gates in Purgatory Bill Gates dies in a car accident.
He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped
society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created
that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before
in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help
your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and
lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking
about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and
singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute,
and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing
in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot
flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is
nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What
happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women
playing in the water?!???"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter. A Week in the Life of the Notes Technical Support Person from Hell Monday
8:05 a.m. User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too? 8:12 a.m. Accounting called to say they couldn’t access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Ss Admin Answer #12, "Well, it works for me". Let them rant & rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer… 8:14 a.m. User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0". Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11:00 a.m. Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" & "Doom" nationals are this weekend! 11:34 a.m. Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US. 12 noon Lunch 3:30 p.m. Return from lunch. 3:55 p.m. Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping. 4:23 p.m. Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they’re using. Tell them to call back when they find out. 4:44 p.m. Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do. Tuesday
8:30 a.m. Finish reading support from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts. 9:00 a.m. Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling . 9:35 a.m. Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it’s in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement. 10:00 a.m. Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week’s "Re-engineering for Customer Partnership", I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment. 10:07 a.m. Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke. 1:00 p.m. Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy. 1:05 p.m. Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod—Fire!" 1:15 p.m. Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks. 1:20 p.m. Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats", she’s not sure, couldn’t hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes". Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up. 2:00 p.m. Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that. 2:49 p.m. Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day. Wednesday 8:30 a.m. Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset", not "Chipset". Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up. 9:10 a.m. Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00 a.m. meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager is about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material… 10:00 a.m. Call in Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager’s office. He says he can’t dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he’s aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, web browser and Tums. 10:30 a.m. Tell Louie he’s doing a great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime. 11:00 a.m. Lunch 4:55 p.m. Return from lunch. 5:00 p.m. Shift change; going home. Thursday 8:00 a.m. New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids", I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color. 8:45 a.m. New guy’s PC finishes booting up. Tell him I’ll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke. 9:30 a.m. Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids", Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?! 11:00 a.m. Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer! 11:55 a.m. Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in ‘Y’ shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that’s DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door. 1:00 p.m. Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy… 4:30 p.m. Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads. 5:00 p.m. Shift change. Flick HR’s server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button…) See ya tomorrow. Friday 8:00 a.m. Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left. 9:00 a.m. Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom. 9:02 a.m. Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can’t replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it’s sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications. 9:30 a.m. Good God, another user! They’re like ants. Says he’s in San Diego and can’t replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it’s sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours. 10:17 a.m. Pensacola calls. Says they can’t route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours. 11:00 a.m E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee. 11:20 a.m. Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook. 11:23 a.m. Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is. 11:25 a.m. Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help…" I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!" 11:30 a.m. Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he’s invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff", I tell him. 12:00 Lunch 1:00 p.m. Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast. 1:03 p.m. Full weekly backups done. Man , I love modern technology. 2:30 p.m. Look in support manager’s contact management database. Cancel 2:45 p.m. appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know. 2:39 p.m. New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport. 2:50 p.m. Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor’s office means appointment cancelled. Says he’s just going to go on home. Ask him if he’s seen corporate Web page lately. 3:00 p.m. Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so. 4:00 p.m. Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases. 4:30 p.m. User calls to say they can’t see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit—Select All", hit delete key, and the refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so. 4:45 p.m. Another user calls. Says they can’t read help documents. Tell them I’ll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings. 4:58 p.m. Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much. 5:00 p.m. Night shift shows up. Tell them that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend. Subject: Things to Ponder If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? Is it possible to be totally partial? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Why is the word abbreviation so long? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Helicopter Joke
A helicopter was flying above Seattle recently, when a malfunction disabled all the aircraft's electronic navigation systems. Due to a heavy fog, the pilot was unable to determine the helicopter's position and steer a course toward the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and drew a handwritten sign saying: "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. He held the sign up to the helicopter's window. People in the tall building quickly responded, drawing a large sign and holding it up to their window. Their sign read: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, flew directly to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot replied, "The answer they gave me was technically correct, but totally useless, so I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building".
T'was the Nite Before Implementation
T'was the nite before implementation and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer ( with a six-pack of beer ).
Her resume glowed with experience so rare,
She turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles, her programs they came,
And she cursed and muttered and called them by name.
On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closings! On Functions Complete!
Her eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nites in front of a screen.
A wink of her eye and a twitch of her head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.
And laying her finger upon the "ENTER" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired, and closings completed.
She tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary a bomb, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The users' last changes were even included.
And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"
- Anonymous
Nobody we know....!
THE SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT PROCESS
1. Order the T-shirts for the Development team
2. Announce availability
3. Write the code
4. Write the manual
5. Hire a Product Manager
6. Spec the software (Writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications.)
7. Ship
8. Test (The customers are a big help here.)
9. Identify bugs as potential enhancements.
10. Announce the upgrade program.
The "Smart" Home Owner's Journal TCI, the nation's largest cable television Company, is in talks to launch a unique pilot project in conjunction with Pacific Gas & Electric Co. and Microsoft Corporation to design a "smart home". The home automation industry is expected to triple in size, from $1.7 billion this year to more than $5.1 billion by the year 2000. A home owners journal. November 28, 1995
Moved in at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my PC, which is connected to the power lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm, like, totally wired. November 30
Hot stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice and cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should have the universal remote surgically attached. December 3
Yesterday, the kitchen crashed. Freak event. As I opened the refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut down - lights, microwave, coffee maker - everything! Carefully, I unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. Called the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility. The utility insists the problem was in the software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone calls. More remote diagnostics. Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode" - the network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen's logic sequence was confused so it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour. December 7
The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated and the police computer concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure.... Another glitch: whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade - SmartHouse 2.1, but it's not ready yet. December 12
This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on the Home Shopping channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing. I look at a message slowly throbbing on my PC screen: "Welcome to HomeWrecker!!! Now the FUN begins (be it ever so humble, there's no virus like HomeWrecker....)". I get out of the house. Fast. December 18
They think I've digitally disinfected the house but the place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, The Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT members like to call themselves) are confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad," one tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn’t get Poltergeist. That one is really evil". December 19
Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mudslides yes," says the claims adjuster, "viruses, no." My agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line service. Everybody's very, very sorry but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that may be created. We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited. December 21
I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers personally. "Sure, I tell him"...
You May Be A Geek ...
- If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
- If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
- If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
- If you want an 24X CDROM for Christmas
- If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
- If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
- If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
- If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
- If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
- If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
- If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
- If you window shop at Radio Shack
- If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
- If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
- If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
- If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
- If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
- If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
- If you have never backed-up your hard drive
- If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
- If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
- If you see a good design and still have to change it
- If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
- If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
- If you have a functioning home copier, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
- If you have more toys than your kids
- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
- If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
- If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
- If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
- If you did the sound system for your senior prom
- If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
- If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
- If you spend more on your home computer than your car
- If you know what http:/ stands for
- If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
- If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
- If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate
Ode to Y2K Situation
Author: Unknown
(Sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island" -- more or less) Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.
Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two." "This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away.
It all will go away." But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet." Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero is less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell. The mail won't bring your pension check
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two. The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, it's for sure.
And reading every line of code is
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure. [key change, big finish]
There's not much time,
There's too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too. Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.
Facility Engineer/St. Peter
A facility maintenance engineer dies on in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and
finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter
runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!" "Congratulations for what?" asks the contractor. "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating the
fact that you lived to be 160 years old." "But that's not true," says the engineer. "I only lived to be forty." "That's impossible," says Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets."
Engineer in Heaven An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong
place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a
while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things
are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to
come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake --
he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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Elephant memory In early February of 1984 a young German man by the name of Dieter Kohlmann was on holiday in Kenya, the trip being a gift from his parents after graduating from college. On the third day of the trip while he and his guide were walking through the bush, they came across a young bull elephant standing alone with one leg raised in the air. The guide knew immediately the elephant was distressed and kept a safe distance, but the man either through bravery, or stupidity approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. The man never forgot that elephant, or the events of that day. In April of this year, almost twenty two years later, Mr Kohlmann was walking through the Berlin zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at them and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the two men. Mr Kohlmann couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to focus it's stare on him. He summoned up his courage and against his sons advice, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He then walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Amazingly, the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, smashing his skull and killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Christmas Office Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office
and Leisure Industry Council):
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel
is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it
runs up an incredible long distance bill).
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and
through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy
Holiday season.
My Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions over the Years
RESOLUTION #1:
2001: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2002: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2003: I will read 5 books a year.
2004: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2005: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2006: I will read at least one article this year.
2007: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
RESOLUTION #2:
2001: I will get my weight down below 180.
2002: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2003: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2004: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2005: I will work out 5 days a week.
2006: I will work out 3 days a week.
2007: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
RESOLUTION #3:
2001: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2002: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2003: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2004: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2006.
2005: I will be totally out of debt by 2007.
2006: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2008.
2007: I will try to be out of the country by 2010.
RESOLUTION #4:
2004: I will try to be a better husband to Mary.
2005: I will not leave Mary.
2006: I will try for a reconciliation with Mary.
2007: I will try to be a better husband to Kelly.
RESOLUTION #5:
2004: I will stop looking at other women.
2005: I will not get involved with Sarah.
2006: I will not let Sarah pressure me into another marriage.
2007: I will stop looking at other women.
RESOLUTION #6:
2004: I will not let my boss push me around.
2005: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2006: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2007: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
RESOLUTION #7:
2004: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2005: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2006: I will not get angry when Charlie tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2007: I will not speak to Charlie.
RESOLUTION #8:
2004: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2005: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2006: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2007: I will not miss any AA meetings.
RESOLUTION #9:
2004: I will see my dentist this year.
2005: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2006: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2007: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
RESOLUTION #10:
2004: I will go to church every Sunday.
2005: I will go to church as often as possible.
2006: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2007: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
10 WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST, BUT SHOULD: - AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
- CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
- DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
- ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
- FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
- LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
- PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
- PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
- PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
- TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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Dating Expectations
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I'd have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and I ditched the original plan... now I am simply looking for a girl with a pulse.
Gifts for Men
Submitted Anonymously by a Man Sick of Getting Clothes for Father’s Day
Christmas is just around the corner so it's time for me to share some gift ideas for those special men in your life! Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. For that matter any power tool is a good choice. He may not need it, or know what it does, but it will look good hung on the peg board in the garage.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties and never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. We do not stink - we are earthy.
Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, hey? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:
Tickets to a professional sports game (any team within 300 miles) are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."
Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a Chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.
Rule #16:
Clamps. Men can never have enough quick grip clamps. No one knows why.
Rule #17:
Buy your man Duct Tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool. All men know, if you can't fix it, duct it.
Walk the Line
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Might as well throw my butt in jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
Parrots
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 2,000 dollars."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to his young, reckless days. "Ohhhh. Didn't I meet you on spring break in Panama City?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that
people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
Senior Moment in the Parking Lot
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.)
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key in the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The seargant to whom she told the story could not stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you are going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.
7 Signs that the Santa in the mall is nuts
- Every so often, snaps at the kids and growls, "You've been bad and now you're goin' down, punk!"
- Keeps going on about how the New York Times should publish his 35,000 word list of who's naughty and nice.
- Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
- Right before souvenir photo is snapped, he whispers, "This year, you ain't gettin' squat!"
- When kids say, "My daddy says you're not really Santa," he responds with, "He's not really your daddy."
- That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.
- While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the kiddies.
The Government
Q. What's the REAL reason why the government jails people for theft?
A. They don't want any competition.
Estate Planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
A Riddle
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the Merry-go-round, you are drunk again!
Dangerous Foods
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
Zen Sarcasm
- Always remember that you're unique just like everyone else.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Doing our part to Go Green...
A recent study conducted by Harvard found that the average
American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study by the American Medical Association found that
Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means, on average, Americans get almost 41 miles to the gallon.
If cars didn't run on gasoline
Since we all are aware of the cost of rising gas prices, we need to look on the bright side. It could be worse! What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .
- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
- Milk 1 gallon for $3.79 = $3.79 per gallon
- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
- Visene Eye Drops 1 fl oz for $6.29 = $805.12 per gallon
- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
- Clinique Perfume 1.7 fl oz for $79.99 = $5120.87 per gallon
So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Whiteout!
A Biker's Wish
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
The Dress
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had
found the perfect dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-
of-the-bride!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I
look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she
replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When
they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going
to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.'
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'
The bathtub test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," said the Director, "We fill up the bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand." said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Grocery Store Turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy answered, 'No ma' am, they're dead.'
Turkey Experiment
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.
"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"
Christmas Breakfast
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, ''I'll just have the eggs Benedict.'' His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, ''What's with the hubcap?''
The waiter sings, ''O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!''
Phone Call
A boss needed to call one of his employees at home about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
Marital Bliss
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's just about perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.
And then the fight started....
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big. I told
her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
Careful What You Wish For!
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Life's Little Axioms
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's always late. His ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
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